Black Friday Prophecy Comes Clear And True
In memoriam of the poor sap that died yesterday at the heavy feet of American consuperism, I have to repost a blog written by John exactly five years ago (wow) about our experience slumming it at the Buckland Hills Wal-Mart for the big Black Friday bullshit. Except now, when the country needs to sustain a certain level of calm and decency in the wake of more terror attacks and an economy deftly exposing its plumber’s crack proudly as if Xtina cleavage, people have taken instead to let this fear bubble and seethe. The deals and steals have only become more enticing, and a long line of libidos is now under firm control of huge corporate circular flyers, with the clenching and the cumming and the oh-ho-ho-it-hurts-me:
Whatever happened to taking risks? If you wanna kill your pancakes at Denny’s, do it. If you wanna yell out “cock!” and “anus mung mung!” at Denny’s, do it. It was done. Taking risks is a great thing, especially when you know no one can stop you.
Earlier today, Dave, Gabby, and I, went out to Walmart at 4:50am, to see the madness that is Black Friday. To our utter amazement there was a line of people growing by the minute, filling the parking lot. When I saw this ridiculous sight, I just HAD to do something crazy. So, I ran around screaming, “Black Friday! I can’t believe its finally today! I’m CRAZY! I’m gonna get the best deals!” accompanied by loud screams, with my arms flaling. Then I break danced on the ground. This got a pretty nice rise out of the crowd. Lots of laughter, some comments. Then I got up, composed myself, and called them all idiots for being there so early. It was fun.
So we staked out a spot in line, and made fun of all the morons waiting in line, hoping for an 8¢ wide scream plasma space station. Ridiculous morons. Then I noticed a Channel 3 camera by the door, so I decided to go and check it out. So I cut everyone in line, and camped out by the door. Dicene and Gabby were being stubborn and stayed in line, but they eventually came to me. This one guy got out of line and yelled at me to get to the back of the line, and I just laughed in his pathetic little face. I guess I started a trend, cuz as it neared closer and closer to 6am, more and more people started cutting, and soon it was just a huge mob in front of Walmart, and I was in the front baby. I was getting psyched. This big black dude was saying that the kids in the front were gonna get trampled, “I don’t care, I’ll trample those kids, I’ll just give em a lollipop or something.” Hilarious. But yeah, lemme set the stage for you. In front of the doors, there were a mass of black people. Just behind them were a bunch of white mothers and fathers with their children in shopping carts. Behind them was me, and behind me were millions of screaming idiots, waiting to deficate all over the QUALITY items that lay within the beating heart of commercialized madness, aka mulemart. As the clock inched closer and closer to six a.m. the crowd got more and more anxious. You could sense the madness in the air. “I’ve been here since 3:30” one mother says proudly. “I’ve been here since 2 am!” I scream insanely. Vincent Price was walking around inside, taunting the masses with his store key. You could cut the idiocy with a knife.
6 am.
All hell breaks lose. These “people” or half humans instantaniously turned into wild beasts, with one thing and one thing only on their minds, “GET IN! GET IN!” A huge force came from behind, and shoved me into the mothers in front of me. All of a sudden I was at a Hatebreed concert. The madness in front of me, was something I am utterly ashamed to write about right now. The doorway was jammed with people. Fathers were screaming, “Let our children in! You’re crushing my kids! STOP PUSHING! STOP! STOOOPPPP!’ Children were being crushed inside of their carriages. Some had to be lifted up above the mob and brought inside. Everywhere these neanderthals were being crushed, people screaming for their lives. The doors broke, and still people were pushing and screaming to get in. I finally squeezed my way in, and it was a mad dash to the electronics. I ran through the store yelling, “i gotta find the deals, I gotta find the sales!” and I fit right in. You could hear these maniacs screaming, “WHERE ARE THE DVD PLAYERS?” Madness inside the walls of Walmart. I was ashamed to be a human. Ashamed to be associated with those sub-animals. Its a sick, disgusting wirlde we live in, and it makes me happy that Einstein was born. Cuz one day the atomic bomb is gonna hit, and I’ll be a little glad.
But the best part was I got a DVD player for $29.95!
Here’s what I had to say about it:
Mulemart is right. So right. Going to Wal-Mart at five in the morning on Black Friday was amazing. The whole procession was a work of art, if looked at in the right gloaming. When I think of the future and how Black Fridays will be written into the backroads of history, I imagine something like the episode of “The Simpsons” where Grampa Simpson is telling the kids of Springfield about the lemon tree, except all the kids of the future will think it’s tame because there weren’t any full-on multiple-person homicides yet. That was Black Friday 2009, when the idiots were rushing in to buy five-cent television/toaster combos that blew up minutes after first plug-in. My word. I think the funniest things I heard screamed at point of detonation last night were, “It’s happening!” and “My arm! My god, my arm!” There are a lot of experiences in life that are great or fun or even amazing, but rarely can I say something is unbelievable.
I’m really glad I was home smoking cigarettes last night. Seeing this horror one time in my life is enough, especially considering this shit is only getting worse, as is God’s apparent but no less cruel design. Fact is, nobody wants to get trampled to death. Comedians and social critics, stay home! For you know, it is the last known refuge of the diasporically damned. Goodnight, America. May Sam Walton’s holographic memory leave you some workers’ rights underneath your Christmas tree that your dog made for you out of reconstituted Mountain Dew fridge-packs and dodo feathers. Smoke the mistletoe if you get desperate.
