Candy-Coated Kisses On A Summertime Day
Alyssa Milano: “Look In My Heart” (Pony Canyon Inc.)
Okay, I know this Amazon.com review is edging a bit close to three years old, but I think its ignorance speaks volumes about the state of the declining American mind. Peep: “This album was released by Alyssa Milano in 1989, in Japan only. This was back when she was still on Who’s the Boss. It sounds like a poor imitation of a Debbie Gibson or Tiffany album. It’s no wonder it was never released in America. This product is so geared for the Japanese market, Alyssa even sings a little bit of Japanese in ‘Kimi Wa Sunshine Boy’. I can’t vouch for how good her pronunciation is. The only reason to get this CD is for the curiosity factor, but who wants to pay the outragous import price? I should also mention that the CD is only 30 minutes long.” Oh my GAD, it makes me so irrevocably PISSED OFF! Eff you, “trivia buff” from Bethel, CT. I hope you never have a smooth shit for the rest of your life.
Allow me to insert my own two cents for a hot paragraph. There are statements of such unbridled lunacy in this fellow’s review that it breaks a young man’s <3. There are many points of interests in this, undoubtedly, five or six minutes of this poor person’s life, typing and typing this dejected hate speech at a sixteen-year-old Alyssa Milano that will never exist again. Why should the internet care about some “Charmed” fan’s disappointment with an import he could have downloaded on the sly? Too many people buy music as a veiled display of entitlement, like, “Oh man, I paid thirty bucks plus shipping to get this rare celebrity import in the mail, and it’s only a half hour long! I need to vent my frustration on the website which sold it to me.” I tell ya, internet, few things bug me more. And besides, Alyssa Milano sure isn’t missing thirty bucks that she’ll never see. (Pony Canyon Inc.? Is that a record label or a fruit drink company? I tell ya, no respeck!)
First of all, he tries to make the point that Alyssa Milano was a Tiffany/Debbie clone. Failing at many things besides life, this downright conjecture sickens the soul and confuses history. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson were mall pop. They themselves were clones in the shadow of Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Taylor Dayne, and any freestyle music coming from Atlantic cities. I just don’t buy that Alyssa Milano was an imitation of these girls. They’re all players on the same team. Next, he’s spewing his racist filth, essentially implying that because she sings in Americanized Japanese for a bit of one track that was “geared” for the Japanese market and that is somehow a bad thing.. Who does this faceless drone think he is? If it was a CD that was meant to be thrust upon the Japanese market, why shouldn’t it have a song in its language? Gross totalitarian..
Why am I defending the debut album of a sitcom star whose career is two shows away from another “Judging Amy”? What difference does one moron’s opinion make when you don’t care enough to seek this record out in the first place? The only thing that gets me amped up about this thing is the fact that it’s damn good, and damn perfect, and if it was a minute longer, it would run the risk of oversaturation. Every track would fit perfectly on the soundtrack of movies like “Short Circuit 2” or “Mannequin”. You know, that icy 80s dollhouse sound. A level of fun that Katy Perry or Lil Mama couldn’t ever hope to touch. A fucking cover of “Da Doo Ron Ron”. The blistering pop-rocker “Born To Love” is a good business model for girl singers of today. And yes, she sings in Japanese, and yes, you know you’ll love it.
